


Human

by corgo_queen



Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion, Rebuild of Evangelion | Evangelion: New Theatrical Edition
Genre: Angst, Depressed Ikari Shinji, Flashbacks, Kawoshin - Freeform, M/M, Memory Alteration, Panic Attacks, Post-Betrayal
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-08
Updated: 2020-08-10
Packaged: 2020-11-27 21:06:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 10
Words: 19,956
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20954903
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/corgo_queen/pseuds/corgo_queen
Summary: Immediately following the events of 3.33, Kaworu departs with the promise of return and finding Shinji happiness.   Meanwhile, Shinji begins to face his loneliness and self-hatred in a world without Kaworu.*This is essentially a continuation of the movie 3.33. If you haven't seen it there are major spoilers ahead!





	1. Mercy

**Author's Note:**

> Please have mercy on my soul, I haven't written ANYTHING in so long. This is my first attempt at a Kawoshin fic. I'm really just letting my imagination run free with what could potentially happen after 3.33 (nope I can't wait till June 2020). If you like the story, please comment and let me know!! I've written 25+ chapter fics before, totally fueled by reader comments. So if you want more post-3.33 Kawoshin, be sure to comment! 
> 
> Anyway, this first chapter is honestly just a more dramatic and more painful version of the end of the movie. Emphasis on the painful.

I was suffocated by sirens. A million lights flashing, alarms blaring--it was all too much. My body tremored under the tight seal of a plugsuit--as if every cell in my body was pulsing, screaming-- _ stop. What have I done? What have I done? I thought I was doing the right thing! _And suddenly there was an invisible wall between us that I pounded and pounded on until my knuckles popped--the agony of which was so minute--instantly lost in the totality of my gravest mistake. 

I pounded my forehead against the invisible barrier, with tears dripping, my nose running, and scorching beads of sweat rolling down my spine sticking to my suit. _ How could I let this happen? This is all my fault--everything is my fault...again! _

Deep watery sobs wretched my throat and I could do nothing but watch my mistake unfold. It should’ve always been me. It should’ve been me with the choker ready to detonate any second. _ This fate was never meant to be yours...why did I let you take it from me? Why would you do this for me? How can I stop this?! _

“K-Kaworu….Kaworu!” I shouted his name like it was going to make time stop. Like it was going to reverse everything I had done. Like it was going to lock the choker around my neck instead.   
I called for him again and again but I couldn’t bring myself to look up at him. Because I knew...I his face would be calm, serene, like it always was, even in the face of danger. It was so like him to be placid, to resonate with mercy.

_ Was all of this going to be my fault? I did this...all of this? _

And then the light poured in through his voice. “It’s not your fault, Shinji.”

I looked up and I _ saw _ him. I saw him for what he was--mercy and grace and divinity glowing through his ashen skin and scarlett eyes. I was not worthy of his grace…I was not worthy of love, especially his.

“This is happening because I’ve become the thirteenth angel. I’m the trigger, not you,” he continued. 

I could hardly bare to look at him anymore and the way he so easily accepted what was going to happen. How could he be so calm at a time like this? 

“B-but...what...what am I supposed to do, Kaworu? How do I fix this?” I begged and pleaded with him as though he really had the answer. Kaworu was amazing...he had to have the answers. He _ had _to. 

“Listen to me Shinji…” 

I pressed both of my hands against the barrier, desperately trying to hear his voice that rang like a lullaby.

“Even after your soul is gone, your wishes and curses still cling to this world. Your will will hue to the world as information, and transform it. It will even eventually rewrite your own history.”

I cried harder, even though I did not understand. I didn’t know what any of it meant. How could I? How could I process his words when the foundation of my psyche was crumbling, when the only person who had ever shown me love was _ leaving _ , was _ sacrificing _ himself. And for what?

He spoke again, this time a little softer. “I’m sorry Shinji...this isn’t the happiness you wanted or deserved.” 

_ Happiness? I can never have that...not now...not ever. _Happiness had never been at a greater distance. 

Kaworu’s choker was now armed, sharp rubies hovered and circled his neck.There wasn’t time left now. There was no more time. There was nothing. 

“B-but...but you said amazing things happen when we’re...when we’re together, Kaworu...you said that! You said...you said--”

“I’ll close the gates myself. I don’t want you to worry anymore, Shinji.” Finally, he frowned. HIs stare was blank, like he was experiencing something for the first time. _ Kaworu don’t you know what it’s like to be scared? To feel sorrow...to..to… _

He took in a breath and his exhale shook with the slightest hint of what could only be fear. The whites in his eyes glistened. And for a split second, he looked human. 

“I don’t understand….Kaworu...I thought we….I thought we were…” _ Unstoppable, a team, a force that could create change. _

Suddenly I was choking, I was screaming from a deep ache in my chest. My heart was breaking--it was literally shattering in front of me, inside of me, it was...impaled? Anguish washed over me and I instinctively hugged my arms around my torso, holding my broken spirit together in one piece. I wasn’t expecting the physical pain. What was even happening? Why did it feel like a spear was slicing through my ribcage and electrifying every nerve in my body?

_ “ _Keep looking, Shinji. I know you’ll find peace in a place where you belong.”

He sounded so confident, so sure of himself...but he always did, even when he was dead wrong. 

I wanted to speak, and I wanted to plead but I screamed and I choked. My lungs were too full of LCL. 

“I’m certain that fate will show you the way.”

And then I couldn’t see him anymore--I wanted to see him. I wanted to _ see _ him. My eyes were glued shut but tears still cascaded off my cheeks and down my neck. _ Kaworu! _

“Hey...try not to look so sad.”

_ How?! How Kaworu? Everything is over, everything is ruined because of me. _Despite my pain, I leaned against the invisible barrier one more time. I reached for him again. If I could just...if I could just…

“We’ll meet again, Shinji. And when we do, I promise I’ll guide you towards happiness.”

“Kaworu!” I screamed his name one last final time and it was the last time I spoke his name out loud for a very long time. 

“I’ll protect you, Shinji. When you’re ready.”

Before everything turned red I saw him grin--the most beautiful, confident grin. It was like he knew exactly what the future had in store. And he was at peace with himself and what was left of the world. He made peace with the explosion of his physical form. In a great flash of red he was gone and all he left me was proof that he had ever been alive. The barrier dissolved and my hands were stained red. The taste of copper overwhelmed me. My face was warm and it was wet. 

I blinked my eyes open and screamed. I screamed and tugged at my blood soaked hair until my voice was gone and my breath ran still. 


	2. Blue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shinji returns to Nerv and becomes lost inside his grief. Despite it all, he is tasked with being an Eva pilot once more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaand hopefully now things get a little more interesting and feel less like a recap! I'm not gonna lie, I get eerie vibes every time I sit down to write this. So again, have mercy on my soul--I'm trying my best to channel at least some of Shinji's suffering.

I was numb. I was blank. And I was hollow. My consciousness, my awareness, the essence that made me whole, tended to flicker in and out, in and out, in a red bleary haze--until I was barely cognizant of my surroundings. I never had any recollection of being pulled out of the entry plug. I didn’t remember seeing Asuka or Rei at the end. I was told all of these things... but my collection of memories stopped after Kaworu. 

It was like the only constant thing in my life were the white walls, the slender twin bed, and the white collared shirt delivered to me every morning. Everything else was lost to me--visitors, doctors, any form of reasoning. I was blank. 

There wasn’t much left of Nerv but I returned, not by force but by choice. I never wanted to get inside an Eva again but I wanted to sit by the piano. I wanted to sit there with my arms wrapped around my knees and my head buried between my knees. I wanted to wait for him. In the whispers of the wind I heard keys playing, notes being touched--like our music still lingered in that space. But everything was quiet. There were no trees for the wind to tousle. No long ashen fingers to ignite the music. There was only me and after a while I saw no reason to stay.

Since the near fourth impact, I had zero contact with my father, until a month went by and finally I was summoned. I didn’t really understand what the state of the world even was. Were there still angels to destroy? Would there be more Evas? I couldn’t bare the thought of piloting again. But at the same time, I wanted to be needed. I wanted to hear him say  _ We need you, Shinji. Nerv needs you. The world needs you. _

“Shinji.” 

His voice shook me out of my daydream. For a moment, I was terrorized by the deep chill of his voice. He was going to reprimand me for failing . I knew it. 

“You will be piloting a new Eva.”

_ What? _

I couldn’t read him at all. His face never showed what he was thinking but the straight line across his lips told me he was serious. 

“W-what?”

“You did well.”

I did...well? What was he even saying? I was silent to his praise. I wanted to know more of the state of the world but I didn’t have the energy to find words. 

“Allowing Kaworu to wear the collar, without hesitation, was a wise sacrifice.”

Suddenly I could feel the wall of tears rising behind my eyes. My breath hitched, my heart raced, I was going to be sick...

“No I--I...that wasn’t what I--” 

Father almost grinned, looking down at me with spiteful pride, arms crossed, eyes narrowing. It was like he hated the person he forced me to be and was so at ease with it.

“You manipulated the bond you shared so you could continue living”.

I felt sick. On instinct my hand clapped over my mouth and I squeezed my eyes shut. 

“Only those with the will to live get to survive, Shinji.” 

Those words echoed in my head and reflected words that Misato had said to me once. A long, long, time ago...but I couldn’t remember why or when exactly. I felt like I was remembering things that had never happened. A conversation with Misato on the beach...a similar feeling of guilt and grief sitting heavy in my chest. 

My hand started to shake so I clenched it tight into a fist, squeezing nothing. 

“I wish I had died instead...I didn’t--didn’t want it to be him! I w-would never...I would never deceive him just so I--”

My own memories stopped me from finishing. I would never deceive Kaworu, yet, this whole time, this whole time while we grew to love each other he had actually been...an angel. Kaworu was an angel, the enemy. But he took the form of a human.  _ Kaworu...why would you want to be human? And feel human pain...why would you choose that?!  _

“You did what was asked, Shinji. Now, we need you to start synchronizing with the new Eva series.”

I shook my head. I couldn’t, I just couldn’t. I could never go inside an entry plug again. I was certain, I was  _ positive _ that it would kill me. Afterall, I was still too numb. How could I even begin to fathom synchronizing with an Eva? My mind was still warped inside a red sticky haze--surely the Eva would reject a broken spirit. 

“I….” It was hard to breathe. “I...can’t. I won’t….I...I,” Suddenly my breath picked up into quick, sharp inhales. I felt unsteady--my gaze, spinning. No matter how many breaths I took, I couldn’t get the air in. 

“Psychological contamination will not be an issue. Continue to follow orders and I will see you in the Eva. Good bye, Shinji.” 

He started to walk off while I still had so many questions, so much to say but not the slightest bit of strength or courage to communicate it. My knees shook. My heart palpitated. I couldn’t get air in until I collapsed in a heap on the cold hard floor. My eyes began to close and my trembling grew still.

* * *

I woke up in my room, the same room with the white walls, the thin cot, and the chute where my clothes and food were delivered. On this morning, an empty tray descended from the chute. I approached hesitantly, wondering why there was nothing. Then I saw it. A small blue pill.

  
  



	3. Connected

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shinji discovers more about the state of NERV and what he's there for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello world I am back!! And I'm so sorry for the horrendously long wait. My excuses are: started a new job, the holidays, and been traveling like A LOT. But fear not, there are sooo many chapters brewing and the fourth will be up probably tomorrow because now shit is gettin GOOOD and I can't keep myself away from my laptop. I know we're all wondering where our angel boy is but be patient is all I'm gonna say...this is a Kawoshin fic sooo have faith!

I stared at the pill for a while. I had lost track of little things like moments, and all the mini fragments that made up time. How long had it been that I stood there and simply stared at it? I wasn’t sure but I was certain I couldn’t trust whatever father had put inside it. 

My thoughts danced with possibilities of what it could be--could it make me stronger...could it kill me?

I picked up the pill and simply pocketed it for the time being. 

“Well..it’s not like it came with instructions,” I mumbled under my breath. I wasn’t doing anything wrong. There were no orders. 

I could only fathom that it had to do with piloting the Eva somehow. But all I could remember were the horrors an Eva can bring to a pilot unwilling to synchronize. I thought of being trapped inside a berserk Eva, completely surrendering all control. I wouldn’t relive that again, I couldn’t. Despite it all I just knew. I knew somehow I would be inside an Eva again that there really was no escape from this reality. This reality was all there was and all I would ever know. The crushing weight of my truth sunk me deeper into depravity. Maybe the only way out was in the Eva…

I left my room with purpose. I needed answers, I needed to see this new series of Evas and I needed to know what I had to do with it all. But Nerv wasn’t what it was. There was no bustle, there was barely a sense of presence. It was empty and forsaken--really just a wide expanse of abandonment, long hallways, the endless escalators and the lonely piano. Or at least that was most of what I had seen. 

“Hello?” My voice echoed off of crumbling walls and high ceilings. The only voice that returned to me was my own echo. Everything felt fruitless and miserable, like it really was just me, father, and this blue pill. Well, that was until she crossed my mind.

Rei Ayanami, maybe she--no she couldn’t be...but maybe…

I walked to Rei’s old quarters, hopelessly but with a slight drive of confidence. A few paces off I saw a warm orange glow . The kind of glow that could only signify presence. The books I had left behind for her were gone but the glow was undeniable. She had to be inside. 

“Uh...Rei? Is that you?” My voice wavered into a whisper with my confidence fading. 

Then, I saw a shadow and movement and rustling of tent flaps. Was she really here? 

“Rei!”

She stood before me bandaged, bruised, and in an entirely different plugsuit. Not white, not black, just grey. Grey at the body and white detailing. Wow, did she really sleep in that thing? Did she ever take it off? Did she have that much pride in being an Eva Pil--

“Hello, Shinji.” She was monotone and flat. Her lips pursed in a straight line, eyes downcast and empty. 

“R-Rei...you’re really here...I thought that...I actually...I’m not sure what I thought.”

She looked up at me blankly. 

“You’re hurt, aren’t you?” I asked, unsure what else to say.

“No. I’m well enough to work.”

“You mean...get in the Eva right?”

“Yes.”

Silence. This couldn’t really be Rei. It never was going to be the real Rei and there was almost no use in trying to talk to her like she knew me...knew us. This was just another Rei…another clone.

“So...there are Evas then…”

“Yes, Shinji. Why haven’t you changed?”

I raised an eyebrow, unsure of what she meant by changed. 

“Like...into my plug suit?”

“Yes.”

Oh. Now I was really sure that I would never be free of the Evas and suddenly I felt like I was suffocating inside the entry plug--LCL in my lungs, panic rising, heart racing, skin sweating--

“Were you not informed of the testing launch? You should have received a suit. You are a part of the operation, Shinji.”

My hands began to feel clammy and the color began to recede from my cheeks. A test operation? Already? 

I fished through my pocket and found the blue pill. “No...I only got this,” I opened my palm and showed Rei the pill. “I don’t think I can get in the Eva as I am...I’m not...I feel like--”

“You should do as your told, Shinji.” She looked down at the pill and back up at me, radiating a maternal authority. “Everything is to help you better pilot the Eva.”

Those words echoed in my ear.  _ Pilot the Eva, pilot the Eva, pilot the Eva…. _

“But I don’t even know what it is!” I exclaimed, closing up my palm, hiding the pill again. 

“If it was issued to you by Nerv, then you don’t need to wonder such things, Shinji. You won’t be able to pilot the Eva without it.”

“What if I don’t even want to pilot the Eva? I’m not---I can’t.” I dropped my head. I didn’t have the blind programmed loyalty that Rei had. 

“Fine. I’ll pilot yours then, as I’m ordered to”

My chest tightened and my stomach dropped. Suddenly I was too aware of her bandages and bruises and willingness to sacrifice herself at whatever the cost. She wasn’t the real Rei but she was still Rei...she was still Rei…she was in some sick unnatural way connected to me.

“No. Don’t...don’t do that.”

“Ok.” 

I opened my palms again, stared down at the pill. “I’ll take it. I’ll go.” Anything but Rei sacrificing herself again. Anything but that… 

I placed the pill on my tongue, ready to swallow it dry but within a second it had rapidly dissolved on my tongue leaving behind a tingling warmth. 

“Oh...it wasn’t a pill after all.” I nervously laughed. I waited in silence for a few moments as if its effects would actually happen that quick.

“So...do you know...do you know what happened to Asuka? She’s not here, is she?”

Again, she stared at me blankly. 

“I don’t know.” 

_ Thought so.  _ I sighed and turned around, feeling a warmth down my back. As I turned I almost expected to see someone but it was still just me and Rei. The warmth persisted. It felt...good?

As I came back to the present moment, Rei began walking away. I quickly caught up to her.

“Hey Rei, where are you going?”

She didn’t stop. She didn’t turn around. She kept walking.

“To run tests on the new Evas.”

I laughed nervously, vaguely remembering her having mentioned that before. I didn’t ask her if I was supposed to come or if I should go. For once, like Rei, I blindly followed. What other option was there? 

* * *

When we arrived, I stopped remembering specifics very quickly. But the only certainty--the only image I kept in my heart was what looked like Unit 1 standing tall and unawakened, but on closer look I noticed slight differences in color--less prominent green highlights, pale yellow on the knees and forearms and a much higher spread of purple and black across its body. And then it’s size. It was massive and more square in places. Too massive to be Unit 1. Looking up, I realized I was seeing Unit 13 not Unit 1. It was unawakened but in perfect condition--like nothing had ever happened at all. It had to b eUnit 13--the only Eva that was designed for not one but two souls. 

“I have to go now, Shinji.” Rei said as she walked away from Unit 13. 

“R-Rei...is Unit 13 your Eva?”

She looked at me for a moment, with an unreadable expression. “No,” she started, “It’s yours.”

“But that’s not possible!” 

Rei continued walking in the other direction, with nothing left to say to my protest.

“Are we gonna pilot it together?”

She stopped mid-step but failed to turn around.

“No,” she stated.

I didn’t have the will to stop her anymore. I watched her back as she walked away, likely to another room with another Eva. I watched her until it was only me and Unit 13 and the same warmth from before, crawling up my back and beginning to wrap around my torso, getting closer and closer to my chest until everything faded around me into a red comforting haze.


	4. Life and Death

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The pill begins to take its effects, altering Shinji's reality.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woooo okay only 1 day behind schedule--not too bad! Soo...I really like this chapter. Just a quick warning if some parts sound really repetitive or if you're getting a feeling of dejavu like a "didn't I just read that part?" kinda feeling then yes, that was intentional! Also, yes there's A LOT of stream of consciousness style writing in here so you're in for a wild ride lol . Ok that's all I'm gonna say. Thank you so much everyone who is commenting and keeping up with the work! Your comments give me so much life so thank you thank you thank you!!

My face burned hot, my chest tightened, my palms burned and I felt paralyzed to the world around me. I sunk to the floor as my chest rose too much and fell too little. I felt like I was in a hurry like I had to be somewhere, somewhere else, I was supposed to be somewhere else…

_ You’re panicking--you’re panicking. Just stop! Just breathe! _ I told myself, over and over again so that way it  _ had _ to be true. I was working myself up. I was  _ just _ scared.

_ Breathe _ .  _ Stop panicking, just breathe! _

I tried my best to look up but there was nothing other than an infinite blanket of white light. And that feeling returned, the warmth crawling up my back. I felt the light caressing my skin. I could hear the nothingness around me, speaking only in instinct, not words. And there it was  _ again,  _ the warmth up my back and the urgency to be somewhere else. I was somewhere else--I was supposed to be in--

_ ...in the Eva. I never wanted to back but this time---this time I just  _ had  _ to. Misato and the others gave me no other choice. Unit 2 was moving on its own and they needed me. They needed me to stop this. I had to pilot the Eva this time because the world really, really needed me to. And if I could do this--do this one thing right then maybe… _

_ Suddenly Misato’s voice echoed off the walls of the entry plug.  _

_ “Shinji I need you to listen to me and I need you to be calm, okay?” She spoke in a rush with urgency apparent. Ok, this would be important then. I was listening. _

_ “Kaworu Nagisa is an Angel and he’s taken control of Unit 2. We don’t have a lot of information but Shinji I need you to stop him from entering the Terminal Dogma. Do you understand?”  _

_ My face burned hot, my chest tightened, my palms burned and I felt paralyzed to the world around me. I sunk deeper into myself, berating my own consciousness. My chest rose too much and fell too little and it felt like I was in a hurry the way my breath was flowing faster than I could comprehend.  _

_ “That’s a lie! You’re lying...lying...you’re lying!” I clenched the controls tighter and squeezed my eyes shut, shaking my head in denial because it wasn’t true. Kaworu wasn’t an angel ...he was good...he was good and I was so sure of it. “Kaworu’s a….he’s an Angel?!” Even saying it didn’t sound like it made any sense. I slammed my fist against the controls, shaking with the denial of it all. “That’s not true!” _

_ “Facts are facts. Just accept,” Misato said coldly. “You need to launch. Are you ready?” _

_ And so I realized there wasn’t time to be in disbelief. I didn’t have time to argue with the facts--I only had time to accept that everything I thought--the way he made me feel--the connection we established-- was all fake. All of it. He...Kaworu betrayed me. And the only real lie was my own denial.  _

_ Unit 1 began descending and I had never been so eager to control it. To find Unit 2 and to find Kaworu and to be openly angry. Because that was the only thing that would help right now. I felt the heat of rage ignite my skin and begin to draw tears to my eyes. How could I have let him get so close to me? Why did I think anyone could love me? But  _ how _ could I let him get so close to me? _

_ “You betrayed me! You betrayed my feelings!” I shouted as if he could hear me and feel what I was feeling. “You betrayed me, just like father!” I suddenly felt the weight of that injustice, of the only people who were supposed to love me doing just the opposite. It felt like venom, stinging every cell inside me.  _

_ By the time I had reached level 4, I saw him. I saw Kaworu glowing in front of Unit 2--radiating peace. And for a moment I was calm because that was just the effect he had on me.  _

_ “Kaworu!” I shouted for him on instinct. I shouted because I still wanted him on my side despite everything. I wanted him to look at me with his mercy again. I wanted him to-- _

_ In a second I was locked into battle with Unit 2, all my focus returning back to the Eva, back to the moment and back to this reality--where both the strength of Unit 1 and 2 seemed almost equal.  _

_ For a second I looked to Kaworu again, watching him watch me. His face was calm, almost serene. “Kaworu! Stop it! Why are you doing this?!” _

_ He looked up at me, this time with a twinkle in his eye and an air of something like sorrow. _

_ “The Evas and I are made of the same flesh. We are both born of Adam, you see. If it weren’t for its soul I could merge with it.” _

_ In spite of the clashing and grinding of metal between the fighting Evas, I could still hear him perfectly like he was speaking right into my ear.  _

_ The blades of the Evas grinded against each other until sparks flew. I held steady for as long as I could until Unit 2 advanced with a jerking motion and suddenly my blade slipped. _

_ For a moment I was terrified. I was terrified I would actually hurt Kaworu. A quick rush of panic swept through me until my blade was stopped by an invisible barrier surrounding him.  _

_ “Is that an A.T. Field?” I asked.  _

_ “Oh that’s right---that is what you Lillin call it. The sacred region none may violate. The light of the heart.” _

_ The blade pierced his A.T. field so forcefully that even I could see the light he spoke of. It was a blindingly white glow completely encompassing his form. And somehow even inside the cockpit of the Eva, I could feel its warmth--in the form of a tickling sensation up my back. I was calm again, if only for a second.  _

_ “Deep down you Lilin must know. The A.T Field is the inner wall that we all possess.” _

_ I was mad. I was confused. What did any of that even mean?  _

_ “How would I know anything about that, Kaworu?” I shouted back in sheer frustration. Why would he assume I know so much when really half the time I didn’t know why I was inside the Eva and if my efforts even mattered.  _

_ He ignored my question and became lost outside of my field of vision. Before I could call out to him and beg him for more answers I became all too aware that my fight with Unit 2 was far from over as the inside of the cockpit rattled and my head slammed against the back of the seat. I looked over my shoulder to see Unit 2 grabbing hold of Unit 1’s ankle. I had to finish this fight whether I wanted to or not...and it always seemed like that’s what it came down to. I had to advance whether I wanted to or not. Whether I wanted to or not...there was never a choice.  _

_ It took everything I had to stop Unit 2, if not for Nerv, if not for humanity, then to find Kaworu again and finish speaking to him. Everything was so confusing and even though I didn’t fully understand the circumstance I still felt betrayed at my core. Kaworu was an angel...the very thing I’m fighting against.  _

_ At the end I found him again, waiting for me with a smile on his lips and pure grace in his eyes. His stare was like crimson kindness and I just couldn’t pull myself away. I just couldn’t hate him. _

_ I grabbed hold of his body with Unit 1 and held him for a while, noticing for the first time the ring of light that surrounded him, different from his A.T. field. He must have put that down on purpose, yet he radiated a different kind of light on his own. And still, he looked back at me with merciful awe that I wasn’t sure I even deserved. He radiated a warm glow in Unit 1’s hand that I felt through my own skin. It was warm, it was nice, and it pulsated an energy through me that felt sort of like forgiveness but more like someone saying “It’s ok” over and over again.  _

_ “Thank you, Shinji.” Kaworu’s voice was in my ear. “I had hoped that you would stop Unit 2 for me.” _

_ For him? _

_ “Otherwise, I may have been able to live on alongside her,” he said. _

_ “Kaworu, why--” _

_ “It’s my fate. It dictates that I live on. Even if mankind perishes as a result.” What was he saying? What fate?  _

_ All the while, I was frozen inside Unit 1 and I could see and hear nothing but his words. “But I can die here if I want. Life and death hold equal value to me.” _

_ At that, my heart sunk a little deeper. Fear crept into the tips of my fingers and I felt my grasp on him tighten on instinct. He wasn’t afraid to die--not in the slightest. _

_ “Choosing to die is the one absolute freedom,” he continued. Inside my own mind the fear of death seemed to do nothing but tether me to the reality I hated... yet to him death is his wings--the liberator of the present moment. The logic of which made me tremble.  _

_ “But, what does that mean? K-Kaworu you’re scaring me--I don’t understand why you’re saying this!” My voice started to waver, anger diminishing, tears rising behind my eyes, because deep down I understood.  _

_ “They’re my last words. Now go ahead and destroy me.” He spoke so simply, so kindly, like he would do this over again in a heartbeat.  _

_ I was silenced. _

_ “If you don’t, you and your kind will disappear. Only one lifeform can avoid extinction and be granted a future.” He paused. His eyes shimmering as he spoke. “And you’re not someone who ought to die.” _

_ My whole body shook and I could barely maintain Unit 1’s grasp on him anymore. The trembling in my chest travelled up to my head and outward in a cascade of tears. I couldn’t do this...not to Kaworu... not to him… _

_ “You need a future.” My breath hitched and I couldn’t bring myself to look at him anymore. I couldn’t bear to watch the kindness in his eyes grow brighter or his halo of light grow warmer. I wanted more than anything to forget this moment. _

_ “Thank you. I’m happy that I met you.”  _

_ Kaworu wanted me to kill him.  _ Facts are facts, just accept it,  _ Misato’s words echoed through my head as a reminder. He wanted this. He wanted me to do this. I had to do this--everyone was depending on me. If I didn’t end him now then… _

_ He’s an angel. He’s angel. He’s an angel. He’s not my friend. He doesn’t love me. He doesn’t love me. I have to do this. And still… _

_ I closed my fist completely and Unit 1 followed. His light flickered until it bled out. _

_ “I wish I could go with you…” I whispered into the new layer of darkness that contaminated my heart.  _

* * *

My hand stung. I opened my eyes and found myself in the infirmary alone. My fist was bandaged and still bleeding through the gauze. On the nightstand to my right was something that looked like the packaging of a prescription drug, but with the addition of the Nerv logo and my name written beneath a bar code. 

Inside was the same blue pill.


	5. The Light of the Heart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay I'm back! Crazy holiday shenanigans are finally over and I can focus on writing again--yay! This chapter is short but I'm dropping an exciting clue on what's going on...so put your thinking caps on and enjoy!

I was still, completely still, for what felt like hours. I stared at the same familiar ceiling I used to always stare at. I felt like I had just come out of the Eva--my body tired and aching from the exertion of battle. My clothes felt heavy and my chest was as tight as before and my back still tingling with warmth. 

I opened and closed my hand, noticing the sting was still there, blood oozing through the gauze. For a moment my stomach lurched remembering the way Unit 1’s fist closed around--

“No…” I muttered to myself. “None of that actually happened...I’m hallucinating,” I concluded. “I’m hallucinating because of the…”

I turned and looked at the blue pill on the nightstand. “Because of that?” But why? Shouldn’t I be getting stronger or at least less aware of the depravity inside me. It was as though it was doing the opposite. My feelings were more entrenched in sorrow, my body ached, my heart throbbed with longing and disgust. I was pitiful. Truly pitiful. 

“I didn’t do that...I never did any of that…”

So why can’t I stop thinking about it? I couldn’t unsee Kaworu’s face, his mercy, his divinity, the way he glowed in the palm of my hand. And the way despite it all I killed him by my own hand, my own hand, my own hand…

I started scratching at the gushing wound on my palm.

“I hate this...I hate this…”

My eyes filled with tears again as my hand burned hotter and hotter. 

More and more I found myself struggling to catch my breath. As my panic rose the air around me grew thinner and thinner. I just need to get out of here . Get some air for a while. Just think for a second…

All I could think about was how I needed to be still and just think about this before I would be forced into the Eva. There couldn’t be much more time if Rei was already testing her own. Her own Eva that wasn’t Unit 16. For a moment I wondered if I wasn’t the only pilot here besides Rei. Was Asuka here? Was there someone new entirely? Because there was just no way father really thought I could pilot Unit 16 by myself,as I am. Broken, the word popped into my head. I was broken. I was the furthest thing from whole so how could I ever be expected to pilot something made for two souls when I wasn’t even whole myself.

I pushed the white sheets off of me and hopped down from the bed. Admittedly, I wasn’t as steady on my feet as I thought I would be. My knees trembled but I carried on. I pushed the infirmary door open and looked both ways. Good, no one is here.

Quickly, I glanced back at the blue pill and the packaging it came in. I approached it and I grabbed it, shoving it into my back pocket. I wouldn’t let Rei take my place again ever , even if she wasn’t my Rei...I would endure this if not for humanity then at least for her. If I couldn’t do what I was asked, she would suffer. That was how it had always been. I wouldn’t let her suffer, not for me. Not anymore. For a moment I was convinced that things would be different.

  
I stepped outside. The air was cooler than I remembered and the sky a little bit darker. 

  
"Oh, it's already night..." I'd lost track of time between finding Rei and waking up in the infirmirary. Not that any of it really mattered. Time started to feel endless after fighting in Unit 16. Nothing mattered.

  
Nothing. Mattered. 

  
I fished through my back pocket with haste, finding the pill and willingly placing it on my tongue to dissolve. I was prepared for another hallucination. I was prepared for whatever this capsule had in store for me because there was no other choice but to take it and endure it.  
As I approached the outskirts of NERV headquarters I halted. It was dark but I could still see the glow of city lights. My back tickled suddenly, the same touch of warmth reminding me that it was still there. 

  
For a moment it occured to me that this was my chance. I could leave. I could run away from this right now. No one knew where I was. I wasn't wearing a tracker. I could just leave...but yet it didn't make sense. Didn't Father need me this time? Wasn't I a key part in his plan? Could it really be so easy to just get up and leave if that were all true?  
"I'll be back," I muttered to myself as I walked towards the glow of light. I wasn't leaving--I was just wandering. And there was nothing wrong with wandering.   
I walked on and on until there was pavement beneath my feet and tall buildings all around me. Everything was so much colder than I remembered. I almost shivered until the warmth crept through me again. 

  
The streets were dimmer than I remembered too. Street lights flickered on and off. A droplet of water splashed my forehead. Rain? I looked up to see air conditioning units hanging out of windows. Oh, right.

  
I wasn't sure exactly where I was walking to but I turned the first corner I saw--a sudden wave of exhaustion phasing through every inch of me. I breathed a little heavier as I slumped my weight against a building wall, an old brick building, coated in green and white grafiti. 

  
The warmth in my back prickled me this time and I nearly jumped. A feeling of uneasiness raced through me--a different energy than before. Until now the warm tingling feeling had a calming effect over me but now...it seemed almost worried. Worried...

  
"Hey, look! It's that kid!" A deep scratchy voice redirected my attention. I looked up and saw a man with pants too long for him and a jacket too big. His jaw was shadowed in dark facial hair and his eyes were bleary and blood shot. 

  
Clumsily he approached me, his steps and his movements noticeably uncoordinated. I wanted to move but my legs felt heavy. My arms felt heavy. Everything was just so heavy and I could do nothing more than stand there--half my weight resting on the brick wall. 

  
"_Run Shinji."_

  
A whisper tickled my ear for a second. It was not my own voice in my head. The pill. It must be the pill. This was all fake again, more hallucinations were bound to find me. That's all this was. 

  
"You're the kid who pilots that robot...aren't you?" The man spoke again, this time with contempt. He moved closer to me and before I could flinch his hand was around the collar of my shirt and he shoved me into the wall so hard my vision became staggered. 

  
"You're that fuckin brat..." His voice grew hoarse, anger trembling behind it. His hand moved to my throat, but he held back. "I should beat the shit out of you..." His grip tightened suddenly and my breath was lost. 

  
"_Run, Shinji."_

  
The same soft whisper tickled my ear again. What was happening? Run? How could I run? My limbs were just too heavy to move. 

  
I_ can't...I can't move at all..._

  
"I really, really, should beat the shit out of you," he repeated. "But that wouldn't be enough." 

  
I struggled under his hold, even though I knew it was futile. What was going on? My heart raced against the shackles suffocating the rest of my body. Why was moving so impossible? I should have never left. I should have never left. I should have never left.

  
The man cleared his throat and something wet and runny dripped down my forehead. Saliva. I shuddered in disgust. His breath was hot and reaked of alcohol. I dropped my head and he loosened his grip around my neck just long enough for me to breathe. 

  
"I-I-I'm sorry....I'm s-s-orry...." I stuttered, still catching my breath. 

  
"I'll make you fuckin sorry!" He shouted in my face and in a quick second tore away at the buttons on my collared shirt and reached for my belt, tearing it loose with shear force. He shoved me harder against the wall. "You really are scum..." 

  
My belt fell to the floor and he tugged at my zipper. Amidst it all I was frozen. I was frozen until I wasn't, until the warm tingling feeling surged up my back, down my arms, down my legs, swirled through my chest, clouding my head, tingling my fingers and toes until there was an explosion of light in front of me.   
A golden translucent wall manifested between me and the man. He lunged for me again only to be launched backwards by the barrier...by the wall...by the...

  
"An A.T. Field?" I said aloud. _Oh that's right--that's what you Lillin call it. The sacred region none may violate. The light of the heart._ A feeling of dejavu swept through me as I could hear the echo of Kaworu in my mind. From that hallucination that suddenly...suddenly felt so real in my mind, like a memory. 

  
It was true. It was fact. An A.T. field was in front of me, glowing with a yellow-golden light and deflecting the advances of the man. He looked at me with fear in his eyes and ran before I could say a word or move an inch. 

  
Then it was gone. The A.T. field vanished and my limbs felt light again. I was tired but I could move. And I ran. I ran as fast as I could back the way I came, remembering the whispers in my ear telling me to run. The voice was right. I had to run. I had to run. But this time I wasn't running away from NERV, I was running towards it. 


	6. Rebirth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shinji finds his way back to HQ and stumbles upon NERVs greatest project yet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahh I'm back!! So so sorry for the huge wait. I actually had no laptop for months lol but I'm finally back!! This chapter is going to answer some questions and also raise more questions so prepare yourself! More clarity to come in the next chapter but this is a big one...so enjoy!

As the glow of dim city lights vanished, I grew less and less afraid. Less afraid of the fact that the general public knew me...knew I was the pilot of the Eva that triggered all of this...whatever “this” was--a strain on the existence of humanity--that was the best I could come up with for now. They all knew I was the trigger and that was dangerous.

After that night I realized wandering beyond the safety of NERV was idiocy. I couldn’t walk amongst humanity. They wanted me dead and worse. They wanted to see me humiliated and tortured--the thought of the mysterious man sent a chill through my skin, knowing that if it hadn’t been for that momentary explosion of light, I would have been done for. And not just any light...it was without a doubt an A.T. field. How could I have produced my own A.T. field? The thought was vexing but every inch of me knew it was somehow tied to my father and his plan and the pills and the Evas...somehow, it was all connected.

I didn’t want to remain in the dark anymore but my fear was overwhelming. And yet every time I felt loneliness surging through me, every time I felt hopeless tears form behind my eyes, the gentle warmth down my back awakened and somehow my breathing would steady and the chaos of my thoughts would quiet. It was the one thing I did not question. The warmth was comforting and above all it felt like it had always been there. 

As I walked closer to where I thought NERV headquarters was, it dawned upon me just how dark it really was. And it also occurred to me that I was not perfectly retracing my steps. I wasn’t actually sure where the infirmary was, but all I really needed to find was an entrance. I kept walking until I approached a smaller building that looked to be connected to NERV HQ. 

Well, maybe someone in here can at least point me in the right direction. For all I knew, everything above the city did belong to NERV. I pushed the metal door open, surprised to find it was not locked.

Upon entering, I was hit with a draft of cool air. So cold it felt likeI was walking into a refrigerator. It was purposely cold. The sound of bubbling water was everywhere--like the soothing sounds of a fish tank, yet I did not feel so at ease there. I continued forward, looking for anyone who could point me in the right direction, but it was silent. 

“H-hello?” I spoke, waiting for a reply that never came. As I continued walking, I saw the source of the bubbling noise--a wall of cylindrical tanks, completely empty. And at the very end of the hallway I saw a stretcher that looked like it was occupied. I could see the form of a body, unmoving, underneath the sheets. 

“I-is someone there?” I asked out loud. Silence was the reply and hesitantly I walked forward suddenly feeling like I wasn’t supposed to be there. My footsteps echoed, so surely they could hear me coming. As I got closer I saw the typical apparatuses found in the infirmary--bags of IVs hanging and tanks of oxygen, heart rate monitors--all the usuals. I could only assume I was in some kind of hospital--yet its only patient was alone.

“H-hey...are you alright? I’m a little lost and I--” I threw my hand over my right eye in an instant. A horrible stinging sensation overcame me and it felt like something hot, something burning was stuck in my eye. Tears gushed from my right side. I steadied myself against one of the cylindrical tanks, feeling overwhelmed with pain. Slowly, I blinked my eye open and glanced at my reflection on the glass. For a moment, I was positive, I was certain I saw the color red swirl through my iris but just as quickly as it appeared it vanished back into the dark shade of blue I recognized as my own. “How the…”

The rustling of sheets turned my attention back to the stretcher. I turned my head to the lone patient but before I could see anything my eye stung again, this time hotter and more violently than before. I gasped aloud, again throwing my hand over my eye. Tears fled down my cheeks on instinct, indicating my body was trying desperately to rid itself of whatever had gotten inside it. I cried out in pain, wiping the tears as they came. Again I glanced at my reflection in the glass, exposing my right eye for a moment. It was red, undeniably red. 

Covering my right eye, I staggered forward, desperately needing answers and a way back to the infirmary...the real infirmary. “E-excuse me...could you...tell me how to get back to the main infirmary? I’m lost and my eye is--”

I stopped midstep. I froze. I was frozen. My left eye, the eye that wasn’t burning was showing me silver hair, porcelain white skin, and facial features so beautifully defined that I was sure I was hallucinating again. The figure beneath the covers was definitely male and my mind almost didn’t register it...not at first. My breath hitched and I stepped closer, not allowing myself to believe anything I saw, still covering my burning right side. 

“C-can you hear me?” I asked, my voice slipping into a whisper. He opened his eyes and he stared into my uncovered eye blankly, but still with the knowing gaze I had fallen in love with. The warmth flared down my back and into my chest and out my eyes into the form of hot running tears. His eyes weren’t the red I remembered. They were grey and vacant. 

“K-Kaworu?” 

I removed my hand from my right eye to attempt to see him better... if it even really was him. And it worked, like fog lifting from the sky. I saw him for all he was, under a halo of white light. Even though it burned, I opened both my eyes and his gaze, like a magnet, immediately drifted to my right side, the red side. His lips suddenly parted, his eyes widened and the red returned to his iris, swirling over the grey. He was whole. 

“Shinji?” He breathed my name like he had so many times before...so many lives before…

I felt like I couldn’t breathe, like time wasn’t moving around us, like we were the only two souls left in the universe. Like we had become accustomed to moments like these, moments of reunion. Somehow this all seemed so normal and routine, finding one another. 

I wanted to touch him, and hold on to him, and cry. But as I reached for his hand I saw it was bound. Each of his wrists had a black ring with a red light running through the middle. A red light glowed beneath the cuff, almost the same as the choker he wore for me.

“K-Kaworu...what’s happening? Why are you...why am I--”

He looked at me calmly, as he always did, with a sort of all-knowingness in his eyes that was just so conducive to his character. His scarlett eyes drifted from mine to the cuffs around his wrist and for a moment the red in his iris flickered out, only to brighten again when his gaze met mine. 

“Shinji, there is a lot you don’t yet know but your father had planned for all of this to happen, to unfold exactly as it is right now.”

“Planned for what to happen? How is this even possible? Am...am I...just in one of those nightmares again..?” I started to feel my face flush in a fight or flight sort of panic.

Kaworu shook his head. “No, this is real Shinji. Although I’m not sure why he is doing all of this...I can tell you what I know.”

In a flash he effortlessly hopped off the bed and stood beside me--still slightly taller than me, and noticeably paler and noticeably...naked?

“K-kaworu! Why aren’t you wearing any clothes?!” My cheeks stung with a rush of blood and bashedly I looked away. 

His cool hand pulled my face back toward his and for a moment we were so close that I was certain he could hear the rapid beat of my heart.

Softly and quietly, he laughed. “You’re so warm all the sudden, Shinji.” 

At that, my face grew hotter and I forcibly backed away in a panic. 

“Well, to answer your question... I was just born. Were you lilith born with clothing on, Shinji?” I stared back at him blankly, feeling lost in a whirlwind of confusion. 

“J-just born?” I asked breathlessly.

“Yes. This body was constructed for me...artificially I suppose. But its genetic code has remained the same for...many lifetimes.” 

Hardly taking in a word he said, my eyes started to wander up and down his body, noticing not a single imperfection, not a scar, not a mark, nothing. Just perfection.

“Do you like it?” He asked with a sincere smile that sent warmth up my spine.

In an instant, I found my heart racing again, and my tongue tying. “U-uh n-no! I mean, yes! But n-no I...I’m just...confused...”

He laughed quietly again. “My consciousness and the DNA that makes me an angel are intact. My genetic coding that was in the hands of Seele seems to be in the hands of NERV and your father.”

I took a step closer to him, feeling a sense of wholeness around him. Suddenly feeling as though this was actually real. Kaworu was here. Right in front of me.

“With that information, your father can duplicate me as much as he wishes.”

He started walking further down the hallway, gesturing for me to follow...still with no clothes on. We made our way into a room full of the cylindrical tanks, but this time they weren’t empty. 

I gasped at the sight of infants and toddlers unconsciously floating through the tank water, each with a tube extending from their throats which I assumed was connected to an oxygen soruce. Their eyes were closed and their faces at peace. All of them were male. 

“He’ll recreate me as many times as he needs until he accomplishes his goal,” Kaworu spoke. “A body is simply a body after all.”

I looked at him with what must have been horror in my eyes. He grasped my hand tightly in his. 

“It’s my consciousness that has always returned to you, Shinji. I’ve always come back, haven’t I?”

Suddenly the memories of Kaworu in Unit 1’s grasp, of me squeezing him to death, of blood on my hands that I was certain was an illusion, came to mind. And the moment the choker collar became armed inside the Eva and he burst right in front of me in a bright flash of red. Those images reoccupied my mind like they had just happened. 

As I came back to the present moment, Kaworu’s hands were on my cheeks again, this time wiping away tears that I didn’t even realize were there.

“I really was born to meet you,” he whispered. 

\----------------------

A/N: Our boy is back!! Or is he?? I know you're confused but stay with me--I have answers!


	7. Infected

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shinji discovers his role in his father's ultimate plan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wooo here it is! This is just getting more and more fun to write, honestly. Thank you so much for all the comments--you're all keeping me going so thank you thank you thank you! Yes, there are definitely some call backs to the time loops going on here. I know there are so many timelines and universes to tap into with Evangelion (which is half the fun in writing this fic!) so be on the look out! Even if you haven't gone that deep into Eva lure, you'll still enjoy what I have cookin!

I wasn’t sure if it was the stinging of my eye, the haunting of my sins, or the impossibility of Kaworu standing in front of me, but my vision spun and my body staggered forward. I was mentally, emotionally, spiritually flushed. In a blur, Kaworu caught and supported me for a moment stroking his hand through my hair. It had always been like this--me breaking down, falling apart, and Kaworu remaining steady, no matter what. 

“I’d hold you forever,” he whispered. Tears still fled freely from my eyes. I could only sob in response to him, feeling as though the forever he spoke of was now. I had always been in his forever.

“You don’t have to be alone.” His voice was soft and patient. “I’ll be right here by your side. I’ll watch your back.” My body trembled into his skin. My breath grew shakier. I couldn’t stop myself from sensing deja vu. I’ve cried like this before. He’s held me like this before. I’d been here before. 

“I won’t ever let you go. I promise you, Shinji.”

“K-Kawarou…” I breathed, still pressing my face into his heart. “My father, he….Kaworu...t-there’s still Evas. He wants me to pilot it alone and I...I-I can’t…”

“You won’t be alone, Shinji.” 

I looked at him with curiosity bubbling inside me.

He stopped stroking my hair for a moment and I pressed my forehead against his chest again. I couldn’t see his face, but I knew it was pensive and searching by his slow exhales. 

“Unit 13 needs me in order to awaken…”

He raised up his wrists and pointed to the red glowing cuffs. “These activate every 48 hours. Drawing my blood to rejuvinate the Eva...someone has come to retrieve the blood every 2 days.” 

“Why would they need your blood, Kaworu?” I whispered back, suddenly feeling afraid of his answer. 

“Unit 13 has a double entry plug system, Shinji. It needs a second soul in order to operate. But I can’t say I fully understand the mechanism...from what I remember each time someone has collected my blood they came with small blue capsules.”

Suddenly on instinct I pushed him away, like I had so many times before, feeling overwhelmed with a sense of realization and unworthiness. 

“You mean like a pill?” I asked with my back towards him. 

“Like a pill,” he confirmed. 

Before I could speak a wave of nausea threw me off balance. He reached out for me, but I pushed him away and crashed to my knees, covering my mouth with my hands. My right eye began to burn again but this time my whole body ached in response. I felt shivers and chills radiate through me like a feverish feeling. I was weak. I was miserably aware of what was happening.

I felt a warm hand on my shoulder. “Shinji…”

“I...I’ve been taking them…”

He turned me around and tilted my chin towards his face so I couldn’t hide. I couldn’t hide from him anymore and I didn’t want to. He looked at me quizzically as if he didn’t understand.

“These...these pills. They’re blue and I was ordered to take them so I could pilot the Eva...alone…”

Kaworu was silent and for once the usual peacefulness of his face seemed shadowed over with something different, something like fear but I couldn’t be sure. The only other time I had seen such an expression on him was inside the entry plug of our last battle. 

“K-Kawaoru...why? Why is this happening...I’m starting to feel weird like my body is changing and..and--”

He hastily examined me, every inch of me, opening my left eye then forcibly removing my own hand from right side so he could peer into my burning eye. It stung and tears gushed down without end.

“I see,” was all he said to me, his face blank and unnerving. “I want to try something,” he added. “Stay as still as you can.”

I looked at him apprehensively yet still nodding my head in obediance, knowing if anyone could help me it would be Kaworu. The only person that I...trusted? I did...I truly trusted someone for the first time. And it felt...good.

He backed away from me a few feet and closed his eyes gently, a tranquil smile on his lips. In an instant a golden sheet of light radiated from his core, creating a halo of white light around him and a transparent wall of luminescence between us. I recognized the display as his A.T. field. Through the barrier of light, he extended his hand. 

“See if you can grab my hand, Shinji.”

It seemed impossible that I stood even a slight chance at slipping through an A.T. field, especially Kaworu’s. But without hesitation, I reached for his hand anyway. And as if it weren’t even there, my hand phased through the golden barrier and my hand found his naturally. I watched his crimson eyes grow wide with wonder as he pulled me forward, deeper into his own light until our bodies touched and I was enveloped in his arms again. My senses were overwhelmed with warmth. The same warmth that used to travel up my back was now pulsing through my entire being the more I surrendered to it. 

His A.T. field did not repel me. In fact it did the opposite by inviting me in deeper and deeper…

_ “There is nothing that separates us, Shinji, do you feel it?”  _ I stared into his face with unmoving lips. Did he really speak? I was so sure I had heard his voice.  _ “You can hear me, can’t you?” _

I nodded quickly. “I...I hear you...and I’ve heard you before…” 

_ “Yes, you became aware of me quickly back then.” _

The voice in my head had been Kaworu’s. The voice that told me to run.

_ “Your father is overwriting your genetic coding, taking away what makes you human _ .”

“What? He’s doing...what?”

_ “ Shinji...if his treatment continues...you’ll become an angel.” _

Suddenly the A.T. field around us began to crack. And in instant it burst into a sound wave of shattering glass and we were in darkness again. “N-no...that can’t be true...that’s not even possible! What are you trying to say, Kaworu?! I’m not like you! I’m not like you at all…”

Before I could back away he reached for me and grabbed my wrist. For a moment I wanted to trust him again and listen to him but I couldn’t fathom becoming the very thing I sought to destroy, yet I was so drawn to Kaworu even after knowing the truth about him. The urge to run away returned and perhaps I might have ran back then but my body was too slow and feverish to react in such a way. 

“Kaworu…” I breathed his name desperately as though there was a solution to something like this. “I...I’m scared. This hurts...I…” I stumbled to my knees, feeling a feverish dizzy spell. My eye kept burning, more than it had been before. I instinctively rubbed it in response. As I pulled my hand away I saw blood. 

In a split second, everything changed. Alarms started wailing, strobe lights were flashing. fast foot steps were approaching, and someone was yelling orders on the outside. 

“Confirmed visual of the third child!”

I looked around in a frenzy, completely unaware of where the voices were coming from.

_ Shinji, run!  _ I heard Kaworu’s voice in my head again, just as before. It took everything inside me just to stand up and before I could look back at him, before I could run, before I could cry his name, everything came to a jarring halt. Something sharp like a needle pricked the side of my neck. I screamed in pain as it stung on the point of contact. I felt a hand, undeniably Kaworu’s, grab for my collared shirt. But as quickly as I felt his grip on me, it vanished. My vision grew dark and everything was still. 

* * *

I wasn’t sure how much time had passed since I blacked out but I quickly became aware of where I was, the infirmary, the actual infirmary, not the empty lab I had found Kaworu in. I was under white sheets and enclosed within white walls. How many times had I ended up like this? How many more times would I wake up just to find myself back here again? I started to wonder if any of what had just happened even happened at all. If it was mere illusion, a side effect from the pill. I couldn’t be sure, in fact, I really wasn’t sure until a brunette woman in a white lab coat entered the room, rolling a tray towards the side of my bed. 

I peered down and saw three needles on the tray, large needles with red syringes. I looked to the woman in a panic. I did not recognize her but she radiated a neutrality about her--like she was just following orders. She didn’t look up at me at all. 

Upon hearing more footsteps, I looked up to find two more women in lab coats. Neither of them looked at me, as they each grabbed a syringe. The three came closer to me than I was comfortable with, restraining me with one hand and pricking me with the other.

“H-hey! Stop! What is that?!” I cried. Ultimately I was too weak to wiggle out of their grip. I watched as they pushed the red syringes down until they were clear, one on each wrist and one on my right shoulder. 

“Answer me!” I screamed at the woman closest to my side. “Why is the syringe red?! What’s in there?!”

The three left me in silence, rolling the tray out of my room and down the hallway. 

I was alone again in silence and realization. Kaworu’s voice echoed through my mind. 

_ “These activate every 48 hours. Drawing my blood to rejuvenate the Eva...someone has come to retrieve the blood every 2 days.”  _

As I began to understand, my heart raced, my forehead grew damp, and my breath labored. 

_ “If his treatment continues, you’ll become an angel.” _

Understanding the horror of it all, I screamed. I screamed until my throat became dry and the weight of my fever knocked me out of consciousness once more. 

* * *

  
**A/N: Aaaah it's gettin eerie now! Also, gold star to anyone who knows which timeline (or whatever we want to call it) the first section of this chapter alluded to. It's a mini call back to the Shinji Ikari Raising Project. You can actually watch all the dialogue of it on YouTube, if you've never done it (there is some hearty Kawoshin in there lol just saying...) But yessss I know things are gettin weird but stay with it! Thanks so much for reading! **


	8. The Last Cometh

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shinji suffers through another flashback of his first time meeting Kaworu. Meanwhile, his physical condition worsens.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hoping this new chapter finds you all in good health. There's finally no more excuses for not putting a serious dent in this fic! Now that I have oodles of time, expect more frequent updates and potentially an epic finale to this piece pretty soon!! There's like A LOT of Kawoshin-cuteness so hopefully it lifts your spirits a bit! The majority of this chapter is a flashback (though I did deviate a bit from the original scenes) but it will end in the "present". 
> 
> Enjoy!!

* * *

_ In spite of the gaping heaviness inside me and the feeling of futility permeating through my being, I stood on the shore and stared blankly at the melting sky. It was the kind of sunset that you couldn’t look away from, red and orange hues splattered across the otherwise dismal grey canvas I’d grown accustomed to. The water reflected this cataclysm of color and my heart ached, just mildly, but it also burned with this sense of lack. I was full of longing. My beingness begged for something that I didn’t quite understand yet. Something like intimacy, something like love. Both had never been further away from me. So I continued to stare, continued to long, at the endless expanse of the smelting sky. I stood alone in front of the descending sun. I was small, meek. Distant. The openness of the sea reminded me of the distance between myself and others. How alone I was...how unworthy...how unremarkable. _

_ Faintly, I heard a soft humming sound. It was so faint and so natural I thought I, myself, was humming, almost subconsciously. Because I loved music. I loved rhythmic sounds and the gentle humming that resonated with the cadence of my heart beats. The sound was so smooth, so velvet that I felt like it was swaying inside of me, resonating outward. Briefly, I recognized some notes as belonging to Beethoven. Ode to Joy was it? I nearly snickered at the thought of joy at a time like this. Yet that is what I felt as I turned to the boy suddenly beside me, perched on a tall stone. He was looking outward as if into the future. He turned toward me, no longer humming. _

_ He was beautiful to me. Silver hair swept over his brow and grew long in the back. He was slender but lean, dressed in uniform the same as I. The longer he stared the more positive I was that my face grew as red as the sea, my breath quickened, and my heart clamored for more of him the moment his voice first rang through my ears. _

_ “Music is wonderful, isn’t it?” He asked, his words even softer than his hum. “I think music is the greatest achievement of lilin culture.” He turned his head to face me and for the first time I saw the crimson of his eyes and the gentle curve of his lips. “Don’t you agree, Shinji Ikari?” _

_ At that, my heart lept--at the simple pronunciation of my name. My name spoken aloud by someone like that...someone beautiful and elegant in his own right. The stranger knew my name. I’d be lying if I said it did not make me feel special in some way. _

_ “How do you know my name?” I asked in puzzlement. _

_ “Everyone knows your name,” he said. “Not to be rude but, you seem rather ignorant of your own position.” _

_ Suddenly a flush of embarrassment tickled my cheeks. He was implying my importance as an individual. But at the time I was too lost in depravity to understand such a thing. _

_ “Really? And...who are you?” I wondered out loud. Who was he? Who was this perfect stranger that almost instantly elicited an emotional response out of me in the form of my rapid heart beat, sweating palms, and tingling red skin? _

_ “I’m Kaworu. Kaworu Nagisa. Like you, I’m one of the chosen. The fifth child.” _

_ Somehow I was relieved and flattered to know someone like him...someone like Nagisa...could be like me. He was burdened with the same fate as me? It all seemed too perfect, for him to land before me like that, in that moment, when I felt entirely alone like no one could possibly understand. _

_ “You’re the fifth?! You...uh...Nagisa…” I wasn’t sure what to call him. _

_ He smiled brilliantly and naturally his eyes closed as he did so. The quick movement was so lovely and so sublime. It was like deep down I knew he wasn’t really like me, human. But back then, I was blinded by his angelical fervor. _

_ “You can call me Kaworu, Ikari,” he said, simplistically and confidently. The informality sent warmth through my body. _

_ “Oh...then...you can call me Shinji. Just... Shinji is f-fine.” I tried to mirror his confidence but unsuccessfully. His presence broke my vocabulary. _

_ He noticed the way my voice wavered and smiled once more, this time with laughter. And then I was sure, I was positive, that Kaworu was the incarnate of grace, divinity and wholeness. _

_ \------ _

_ For the rest of the night Kaworu invaded my thoughts. I wondered so much about him. Like where had he come from? What was his favorite song? His favorite book? I found myself wanting to know more about him. I found myself aching to know _ everything _ about him. He was so instinctively kind to me like he knew me already. I wanted to know why. My heart raced at the thought of getting to know him...of maybe becoming friends with him...of being around him. _

_ On that night I had nothing to do anyway. Misato wasn’t home. Asuka was still comatose. So I waited for him to finish synchro-testing. From what I could overhear, his sync ratios were 100% instantly. He really was perfect. _

_ The sound of the automatic sliding door and an announcement over the intercom shook me out of my day dream. “Central Dogma is now open. Please use route 3 to transfer.” _

_ Kaworu stepped out of the silver gates with his hands in his pockets. When our gazes met, I helplessly blushed, suddenly feeling stupid for waiting around for him. Was this weird? Was I being weird? Maybe he didn’t want to be around me. _

_ Kaworu’s heavenly smile quelled those thoughts quickly. “Hey, were you waiting for me?” he asked. _

_ I scrambled to take my headphones out of my ears, every ounce of blood was rushing to my face and I could do nothing to stop it. “Oh I...no...I didn’t mean to...I...y-yeah…” My vocabulary abandoned me again. _

_ Kaworu stepped closer to where I sat, still smiling, still radiating an incandescent glow. “What are you up to?” _

_ “Well...with all the routine testing done all that’s left to do is take a shower and then head home I guess.” I tried to redirect the conversation away from the fact that I was blatantly searching for him, waiting for him, longing for him. _

_ Suddenly a gaping sensation of loneliness crept into my chest. The thought of returning home, alone, sent a cold shiver down my back. I was in so much pain and so much lacking that I could hardly hold on to the burden by myself. Almost subconsciously I started opening up to Kaworu because fundamentally my soul knew that he was meant for me, that he was the key to my lacking. But of course I didn’t really know this then, simply instinct. I just needed him. _

_ “To be honest I don’t really like going home these days,” I confessed. _

_ “The fact that you have a place to return home to, that’s something to be happy about. It’s a good thing,” Kaworu replied with a reassuring grin. _

_ "You think so?” I was in shock at how quickly he analyzed my plight. _

_ “I’d like to keep talking some more. Do you mind if I go with you?” _

_ My eyes grew wide at the suggestion. _

_ “To the showers, that's where you’re going, right?” He clarified. _

_ “Oh! Uh...yeah….” My mind drifted suddenly to the thought of being in the showers alone with Kaworu. I couldn’t understand why the thought of it excited me, made my heart pound, and made me think of him a little more longingly. _

_ “Would you rather I didn’t come?” Kaworu asked after my long pause of silence. _

_ “N-no...I don’t mind…” _

_ Together we walked to the showers. He hummed along the way and I kept my head low, mainly so he couldn’t see me blushing. It was some kind of paradox really. I didn’t know how to compose myself around him but at the same time I felt so comfortable in his presence...I felt like I could say anything to him without being judged. It was his lack of judgement that carried my soul closer to his with each step I took. _

_ As we walked side by side our arms swayed opposite of one another and our hands met for a brief second. Before I could pull my hand away, he grabbed mine quickly but gently and held on to it until we arrived at the showers. I didn’t realize until he pulled away that we had been holding hands for the rest of the walk. _

_ He undressed gracefully, carefully folding each garment as he did so. I did my best not to stare at him...at least not obviously stare at his body. His porcelain skin seemed to radiate a halo of white light around it. He was so bright that I was sure I had somewhat imagined that part. And as my thoughts continued to wander around his body, I realized I was most definitely staring at him. His crimson eyes met mine, and he chuckled quietly. _

_ We stood beneath the shower, steam rolling off our bodies. We were silent for a while, yet still very much in deep conversation. Even in the moments of silence, it felt like we were connecting, filling each others space. All that could be heard was the movement of water and the flow of my breath. It was still but it was nice. I wanted to ask Kaworu so many questions. He seemed like he knew so much...so much about everything. I wanted to talk to him about life and the stars and what the purpose of existing was. But I was afraid to start, afraid to make a deeper connection beyond this invisible thread that bound us. _

_ “Shinji?” He spoke my name quietly, as though being careful not to startle me out of my thoughts. “Are you afraid intimacy with others?” He was so blunt, the way he instantly peered into the most vulnerable aspects of my being. _

_ “Am I...what?” I asked, hesitantly, naturally afraid of the impending conversation. _

_ “You go to great lengths to avoid making first contact with others.” He pointed out blatantly. He motioned for me to sit down on the shower bench beside him, so our shoulders were touching but hands just grazing. _

_ “If you keep clear of other people then you won’t be betrayed. You can avoid hurting each other... but you won’t stop feeling lonely. No one can be eternally free from loneliness because a person is ultimately alone,” he paused and stared blankly ahead of him. I couldn’t be certain but he looked as though he was remembering something. A flashback danced in front of his red eyes and he frowned just slightly. He shook his head and placed his hand over mine. “But people can live on by being able to forget,” he added. _

_ I couldn’t find words again, only sensation, only heat rising up through my body. “I do envy you for that…” Kaworu whispered. _

_ “Envy me?” _

_ He smiled and shook his head. “Nevermind, Shinji. I’m happy I could share this moment with you.” His voice was full of sincerity and he grasped my hand tighter. _

_ The lights dimmed and the water abruptly stopped running. “It’s time,” I muttered in disappointment. I didn’t want my time with Kaworu to halt. _

_ “Time already?” he asked. _

_ “Y-yeah...we’ve got to go to bed.” I said. _

_ Kaworu inched closer to me, still holding my hand beneath his. _

_ "With you?” he asked, excitement pervading his tone. _

_ I jumped at the suggestion, instinctively pulling my hand out away from his. _

_ “N-no! I think there’s a room ready for you...Kaworu...just for you,” I said. I couldn’t hide my sadness at the thought of being seperated after all this. _

_ He stood up, no longer looking at me, staring straight ahead. “Humans live with a constant feeling of pain inside of their hearts.” I looked to him in perplexity and he looked back at me, his eyes twinkled with kindness and knowing. “But their hearts are sensitive to pain so it makes living difficult.” I blushed, completely unable to hide the emotion from him. “Their hearts are delicate like glass...yours especially.” Kaworu was understanding me, reading me, connecting to me, and in that instant I knew I didn’t want to be apart from him. Already, I couldn’t bear the thought. _

_ “You think so?” I asked, in awe. _

_ “Yes. You’re worthy of my grace,” he spoke so vividly and pure. There was no way he was like me. Kaworu was heaven, surely. _

_ “Your grace?” I repeated, not sure what he meant. _

_ “I’m saying...I love you.” _

_ \------ _

_ His words didn’t settle with me until long after he was gone. None of it felt real because the reality was no one had ever said those words to me before. It was new and foreign. It drew me deeper into his hold. He insisted that I stay with him through the night and I obliged. I couldn’t be alone again. I couldn’t face the loneliness that came with being human. _

_ So we laid side by side. I insisted on taking the floor so Kaworu could have his bed. It would be poor manners if I took the bed...it was his room after all. Yet, the arrangement still made the two of us feel awkward. _

_ “I should be the one on the floor,” Kaworu spoke, hands behind his head, eyes gazing up towards the ceiling. _

_ “I’m fine, really,” I replied. _

_ Kaworu scooted to the far end of the mattress, as though making space for me. “Here,” he said, turning on his side to face me, “I don’t mind sharing.” _

_ My face prickled with heat. I looked to him in bewilderment. “Oh...that’s okay...you don’t have to--” _

_ “I want to,” he interrupted. “I want you here.” _

_ “O-okay.” I stood up and made my way towards his bed. I hovered for a moment, unsure if this was the right thing to do. Should I really be sharing a bed with him? I slowly moved the sheets down and climbed on, almost in slow motion, my nervousness and hesitance weighing on me. _

_ As if to fast forward everything, Kaworu grabbed my wrist and swiftly pulled me under the covers and into his embrace. My cheek landed against his chest and I felt safe there. I felt comfortable, warm, wanted. My eyes were wide open. There was no way I could ever sleep like this but that was okay. This was better than sleep. This was intimacy. _

_ Kaworu enveloped his arms around me. “It’s not so horrible, is it?” he whispered. _

_ “N-no...not at all….” My head rested against his chest and I could so clearly hear the thumping of his heart. It was the ultimate proof that he was real and he was there. I could hear the blood pumping through his veins and that was comforting. _

_ “So what did you want to talk about? There’s something you wanted to tell me, isn’t there?” he asked, now running his fingers through my hair, studying every inch of me. _

_ “W-welll...A lot has happened since I came here. Before I was a pilot I was staying with a teacher. Days there were calm and uneventful. I was just taking up space...but that was just fine with me,” I confessed, again finding myself unable to speak anything but the truth in front of him. Kaworu looked at me with concern, still running his hands through my hair. I was so at ease in that position that I told him everything. “I didn’t have anything else I wanted to do.” _

_ “You don’t like other people?” _

_ “It’s not that...I just don’t care I guess. But I always knew I didn’t like my father. I..I...hate him. I’m no good...to him. I’m no good…” I hid my face from Kaworu, feeling the sting of tears well up behind my eyes. He pulled me closer, rubbing his hand up and down my back, creating a loving warmth everywhere he touched. “H-he doesn’t want me…” I sniffled uncontrollably, beginning to shake under the weight of my open heart. “I’m no good...I...I….” I cried openly in his arms, trembling, sniffling, waiting for this tide of sorrow to pass. _

_ “Shinji,” he hushed my name, as if to soothe me. “I was thinking…” _

_ I peeled my tear-stricken eyes off of his chest to look at him. His scarlett eyes glowed for a moment, or so I thought they did. _

_ “I was thinking I was born to meet you.” _

_ The words were harmonious in my ears. For a moment his words made everything melt away. Father, the evas, the angels, all of it was beyond me for that moment. I felt whole. I felt alive. The sense of lack was fading more and more. _

_ I experienced love through Kaworu Nagisa. _

  
  


_ \------ _

I came back to consciousness-- feverish, sweating, and panting. My eyes squinted beneath the bright light of the infirmary. My whole body ached and shivered under the hold of a bad fever. I groaned audibly, noticing my throat was dry. 

“His condition is not improving,” came a woman’s voice. 

I tried to open my eyes to see the source of the voice but when I did so all I saw was white. I threw my hands over my eyes, feeling a strip of gauze tied over them. Naturally, I tried to pull it away, only to be stopped by a cool hand. 

“Don’t touch that,” she warned. _ Why are my eyes covered? What’s happening? _

“No, his condition is not improving...yes I tried that...did, I what? Okay...I guess there is no choice.” The woman was clearly speaking into a phone, as no one physically in the room replied to her. “Bring in the fifth,” she ordered. 

A minute or so later I heard light footsteps. They came closer and closer to me until I was sure someone was standing over me. A soft cool hand grazed over my forehead and gently stroked my cheek. I felt goosebumps rise on my skin. 

Suddenly, my bed dipped down just slightly as the body sat beside me on the bed. The hand ran through my hair lovingly. The feeling felt familiar. The touch felt like a long forgotten memory. 

“Shinji…” he hushed my name, so soothingly, his voice like velvet. “I’m here.”

The angelic voice only matched my memory of Kaworu’s. He sat beside me, running his fingers through my hair, caressing my cheek, and humming softly. He hummed Ode to Joy. The harmony of which felt like I had dreamt it before. He hummed it before...I had been here before. 

“K-Kaworu…” My throat itched as I spoke his name. 

I didn’t have energy to say more but I leaned into him and felt my aches diminish slowly. My hand found his and gradually my shivering ceased. I wasn’t sure how long I had laid there with him sitting beside me. But we were comfortable in the silence between us, because something deeper ran through both of us, a connection that didn’t need words or form. 

Within the hour, my fever broke. Without nurses, without pills. Although I couldn’t see Kaworu, I could feel his lips press against my forehead. The touch sent electrical currents through my body and I didn’t need to see him to know that he was smiling and surrounded by a halo of white light. 

  
This time, he spoke through my thoughts. _ I love you, Shinji Ikari. _


	9. Change

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shinji beings synchronizing with the Eva and confronts his worst psychological dilemma.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wooo-eeee I am SO sorry this one took forever! But the good news is we are getting closer to the conclusion! Probably no more than 2 more chapters. This one just took me so long to write because there's just a lot happening...you'll see. As a prelude...I totally stand for/support the original ending of Neon Genesis so keep that in mind as you read. I hope everyone is in good health and if you're bored...well...here ya go! Fresh chapter--yayyy, enjoy!!

Time had begun to drift by very slowly and peacefully. I wasn’t sure if I had been asleep or just in a daze, but I knew that being near Kaworu was calming, as it always had been, but even more so now than before. His proximity chased away my fever, my aches, and my chills. My eyes didn’t burn so much anymore. =

Sensing that I was alone, I tore away the thin strip of gauze around my eyes. The fabric was stained a brownish red, undoubtedly dried up blood. My own blood. For a moment I was startled but quickly at ease once I allowed my eyes to absorb the light of the room and reflect colors and shades and tones simultaneously. My vision was unmarred. In fact, it seemed clearer, sharper, like I was seeing tones and hues I’d never noticed before. 

I realized then that Kaworu and all traces of him were gone. I couldn’t hear his voice in my head, nor could I feel or sense him nearby. I wondered why they called him to see me when I was ill. Did they know that the closer we were the stronger I was? Was it known that our fusion was going to hurt me? Was it hurting Kaworu? My heart jarred at the thought of anyone other than myself suffering from this. I was used to suffering. I had always been suffering--it became my normal. But surely someone as strong as Kaworu couldn’t be affected by this. I hoped it were true that he really was just a pawn in a grander scheme. 

The next few days went by slowly. I was allowed to leave the infirmary and once again take up space in my own room. I fell back into the routine of eating, getting dressed, wandering, and sleeping. Kaworu was absent and it didn’t even feel like he was close. I couldn’t sense his warmth, couldn’t see his light--slowly I started to believe that he had never really been there at all. 

Days were somewhat calm and uneventful. That was until I received an order from my father to report to the Central Dogma. It was time for me to start synchronizing with the Eva again. For now, it was merely routine testing, but the idea of being inside an Eva was enough to urge me to run away. But as I remembered the world outside of NERV, I realized that running away really wasn’t going to be an option this time. They wanted me dead out there and they wanted me miserable in here. For a moment I became cognizant of this vicious cycle--what would it take to end all of this suffering? Briefly, I wondered if there was something within myself that I could change to offset this pattern of hurt, betrayal, and destruction. For a mere second I wondered if there was something I myself could change to stop this from happening again and again. I wondered if I really was the trigger of not only the third impact but the creation of the Evas, the usurping of my father, the death of my mother, and the war between the angels and the humans. And naturally, I wondered if my existence in this world was the real problem. 

With that heaviness, I blindly followed my father to the Central Dogma. Maybe disappearing inside the Eva was what was best for the world, for everyone else. Because I really did start to believe that was going to happen to me. How could it not? I wasn’t even me anymore. And I was terrified of how the Eva would react to that. 

My plugsuit was the same as before--navy blue and silver along the ribcage. It was the one I shared with Kaworu in the moment I lost him for what I thought was forever. As if for the millionth time I pressed down on the cuff of my wrist, causing the tightening of the suit, fitting perfectly around the contours of my body. I sighed heavily, feeling nostalgic for the moment Kaworu and I did this together in unison with so much hope and vigor. Nothing was ever going to be the same. 

I carefully folded my everyday clothes, buying time before I was ordered into the entry plug for synchronizing. I folded each article of clothing dreadfully slow,and then unfolded them even slower, beginning to feel anxious and longing to feel distracted. 

“You know, that suit really does look good on you, Shinji.”

I whipped myself around in a frenzy, dropping my white collared shirt to the floor. I stumbled to the ground to grab it and hesitantly looked up to see Kaworu standing above me, glowing, if only through my eyes. He pressed down on his cuff to tighten the suit on himself. 

My heart clamored against my chest while my skin grew hot to the touch. The matching suit outlined Kaworu’s frame, accentuating his lack of imperfections. He smiled at me, a peaceful grin, his crimson eyes shrinking as he did so. 

“I-it...looks better on you,” I muttered, trembling at the realization that I had indirectly complimented him, even if at the expense of belittling myself. 

He chuckled softly and shook his head. “You’re very kind, Shinji,” he began and then reached his hand out to me. I swiftly latched on and he hoisted me up my feet. In that moment I had forgotten that he was a bit taller than me, forcing me to look up to him and feel the rays of his heavenly aura. “Is it common for lilim to deny their worth?” he asked, looking to me in puzzlement.

“Uh...wh-what do you mean, Kaworu?” I knew what he had meant.

“Hm, nothing I suppose,” he replied. 

“What are you doing here? Are...Are we doing this together? Again…” I couldn’t bear the thought of it, of reliving the reality of watching Kaworu disappear for my sake. 

Noticing my unease, Kaworu reached for my hand that lay limp by my side. Even through the plugsuit I could feel his warmth sending trembles of peace throughout my body. As I felt a sting of blush tinting my cheeks, I looked away on instinct. 

“Not exactly. I’m more like back up, incase things go wrong while you’re in there,” he said. 

“Incase I disappear…”

“Is that what you think the outcome will be?”

“I don’t know...I just know that I’m never supposed to get inside an Eva again..and especially now that I’m not myself...now that I’m…”

“Like me?” Kaworu pulled my face closer to his, so I was forced to look into his tantalizing and knowing gaze. He was frowning. I could suddenly sense the edge in his voice if only for a second. I could almost taste his anger like it was coursing through me as well. 

“Uh...well...yeah. But I...I guess I’m still me,” I answered cautiously. 

“You’ll always be you, Shinji. What your father has done is well...experimental at best. I can only assume that he thinks a human with angel qualities inside of an Eva will trigger the next impact,” he paused and looked deeply into my eyes and suddenly I could hear his voice running through my mind, peacefully phasing through my stream of consciousness.  _ But in reality...he has no idea what he has done, _ Kaworu spoke through my thoughts so naturally. 

I trembled under his watchful gaze, his ruby stare still burning into mine, blinding me to anyone outside of the two of us. “W-what has he done then?” I stammered, still finding discomfort in his proximity to my face, my lips, and my eyes.

In a flash, my back was against the wall and Kaworu’s face barely an inch from mine. I felt a strong rush of blood to the head and deep pounding in my chest, almost like an ache. He was so close to me and it would be so easy to close that gap, but still I faltered. Terrifying uncertainties filled my thoughts. Suffocated by unworthiness and self-hatred, my chest grew tight and I gritted my teeth harder than I ever had before, certain that I would grate them into dust. My breath was lost. I wasn’t worthy of his grace--I wasn’t worthy of any of it, not his touch, not his closeness, not his gaze. Again, as though the thought pattern were impossible to deflect, I longed to run away.

But Kaworu, this time, made that impossible. His lips crashed into mine. They were warm and inviting and all at once I could feel Kaworu’s thoughts, his emotions, his energy and the entirety of his being. It all crashed into me at once. Waves of warmth travelled up my back and my heart twisted with longing and desire that was entirely his. His soft kiss communicated emotion and my mind could only identify it as affection, and maybe lust, but it was genuine and sincere. As though it were something I could taste, I sensed his truth all over me. A feeling of being recognized and adored. 

No longer could I pull myself away. His voice echoed through my mind, dripping with fervor.  _ This is what he has done _ , Kaworu spoke. More warmth spread through my body, our lips still connected.  _ Inside your mind...it’s beautiful. _

Although my eyes were closed, I saw light, white blinding light and I wondered if this was Kaworu--this warm light, this field of energy that radiated so much wanting. It was like looking directly into the sun. He was so pure, so immaculate that it overwhelmed me. And I truly thought this couldn’t be for me. 

Our lips detached slowly and I opened my eyes to see Kaworu’s eyes glowing--looking straight through me, feeling everything I was feeling, sensing each thought, the self-criticism, the loathing, and my strongest desire: to run away, to disappear. I was embarrassed knowing his awareness flowed through me. 

I was the one who spoke first, feeling like nothing but the truth could fall from my lips. “Kaworu...I think...I think the world would have been better if I...if I wasn’t a part of it…” I paused and watched him silently listen to me, his eyes still aglow with knowing. “Everything is my fault...I don’t want to cause anymore trouble, I--” A single tear escaped my eye, the one that had burned so viscously before. Kaworu’s eyes grew wide, whether it was in terror or surprise I wasn’t sure. “I’m scared…”

I allowed my head to hang, in all of its heaviness and sorrow. Nothing could be more painful than knowing the truth or what I had perceived to be the truth. And the truth was that everything really was my fault. It was like the world was at the mercy of my flaws and my mistakes. 

Kaworu pulled my head in towards his chest, his tranquil energy stifling my thoughts for just a moment. 

“I’m no good…” I muttered into his chest, into his plugsuit, which, as good as it looked on him only reminded me of the last time he wore it. My guilt grew stronger at the realization. My breath naturally quickened, my heart palpitated and an inevitable dizziness overcame me. I clung to Kaworu, if only to balance myself initially. 

Kaworu gently ran his hand through my hair, humming softly. “Nothing is either good or bad,” he started. I peeled my face off his chest to look up at him. “But thinking makes it so.” 

I parted my lips, about to speak until a robotic voice boomed through the intercom. “Stage one testing initializing. Pilots report to Central Dogma.” 

* * *

“Cooling cycle complete.” The robotic voices echoed inside the entry plug. 

“Right arm reattachment complete.” I squirmed and fidgeted inside, unable to get comfortable, barely able to grasp the hand controls with any sort of vigor. I was weak with fear.

“All gear inside cage...in docked position.” Suddenly my plugsuit began to itch, began to burn, began to squeeze me tighter than I ever remembered. But I calmed down for a moment reassuring myself that it was all in my head, in my thoughts. I wasn’t going to die here--this was only routine testing after all. Not battle.

“Shutdown signal plug extraction complete.”

“Roger. Inserting entry plug.” 

The exchange of commands rang in my ear. I closed my eyes and focused on my breath. 

“Unlocking spinal conduit system. Prepare connection.”

Suddenly I felt movement and for a second it startled me. Had it really been that long since I piloted an Eva? The momentary rocking and rattling used to feel so customary that I hardly would ever notice it. This time, a wave of nausea overcame my senses as I became aware of the entry plug being inserted into the Eva. Instantly, I felt cold like ice and my pulse slowed down--a feeling of fatigue quickly weighed on me. 

“Plug locked in position. Initiating level one connection.” The commands continued as my body weakened. My plugsuit grew tighter. My heartbeat slower. My eyes heavy...

“Flooding entry plug.” I struggled to keep my eyes open, battling the sudden onslaught of drowsiness. The inner walls of the entry plug began to reflect vibrant colors, mostly reds and pinks until a thick orange liquid flooded the interior, covering my feet, my legs, my torso, my arms, all the way past my head and deep into my lungs. I let out one deep cough, as though this were my first time in the Eva, my first time inhaling the LCL. I coughed fitfully until I could breathe once again. I never stopped hating that feeling.  _ This is still so gross, _ I thought.

“Main power connection complete. Feeding power to all circuits.” 

As I attempted to grip the controls a little more forcefully, my body shook, My stomach twisted and an aching heaviness settled inside me. These were my nerves. This was my fear. I wondered if Kaworu could feel it from where he was. 

“Roger.”

“Initiating level two contact.” The interior was blank again, no longer blinking in red and pink. 

“A10 nerve connection, status green.” 

For but a few seconds I was blinded by a rainbow prism of colors, sparkling through the interior of the entry plug. The sight was familiar but still astounding. My eyes fought to focus until the colors cleared and I could see out, through the eyes of the Eva.

“Initial contact shows all green.” 

I blinked my eyes open to see faces behind the control center glass that I did not recognize, except for one. My father watched with his arms crossed, eyes shaded over with blue tinted glasses, and an effortless frown. My heart sank. I was here at his will and it wasn’t enough. I wasn’t enough, no matter what. The rest of the techs furiously typed away on computer screens and laptops alike, barely noticing me at all.

“Opening bilateral circuit.”

My eyes fell. I couldn’t bear to look at father. He had done nothing but use me again and again with absolutely no satisfaction. He would never stop, of this I was certain. He would never recognize me. He could do nothing but hate me. 

“Synchronization rate less than 10%.” 

The inside of the entry plug went dark. I couldn’t see anything in front of me. The plug rattled and my head thrashed against my seat. I cried out in pain, doubtful that anyone could hear me. I thought of Kaworu...wondering if he was watching this whole scene. I tried to think of him and only him to calm myself down but my father infiltrated my thoughts, contaminated every inch of them until I was consumed in anger. My face was hot, my hands were damp, and my breath quickened.

_ Nothing is either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.  _

Kaworu’s voice silently echoed through me. I wanted to focus on him but I just couldn’t. I wanted to disappear, away from father, away from the Eva, away from  _ everything _ .  _ I don’t want to be here!  _ That thought was all powerful in my mind. 

I closed my eyes tight, forcing myself to shrink, to fade, to be anywhere but here. When my eyes opened again I was alone in a blinding white light. It wasn’t the entry plug. I didn’t know where I was. My thoughts? The outer realm of my consciousness? Everything was white. Everything was quiet. If this was death then surely I wouldn’t be able to feel the tips of my fingers and the rise and fall of my chest. Both were present. I wasn’t dead but I was suspended, trapped, in the prison that was presumably my mind and my reality. 

“Wh-where I am?” I whispered, seeing nothing behind me, beside me or in front of me. All there was was emptiness. Vast, gaping emptiness. I wiggled my fingers and breathed shakily, as if to remind myself that I was really there. A combative thought denied that notion quickly. Was I really there? What even was I if this was all there was...this emptiness, this loneliness. This space with me and only me. “Who am I….” I wondered out loud. 

“Do you believe some combination of basic sounds could ever explain who you are, or the ultimate purpose of the universe, or even what a tree or stone is in its depth?” 

The voice sounded familiar, yet no one was there. 

“I...I don’t know,” I replied. That voice it felt like...like heaven. Like warmth. Like love. I knew whom it belonged to. 

“Words reduce reality to something the lilim mind can grasp, which isn’t very much, is it?,” he spoke, loudly and confidently. It was Kaworu, undeniably Kaworu. 

“Kaworu...where are you? I can’t see you...I...I’m scared.” My voice faltered with uncertainty. I wanted desperately to see him, to know for sure that this was real.

“When you live in a world deadened by mental abstraction, you don’t sense the aliveness of the universe anymore. Most lilim don’t inhabit a living reality, rather one that is conceptualized.”

“You mean...my thoughts? My thoughts are creating my reality?” It suddenly made sense, though his manner of speech was often times hard to follow. But it clicked, somehow. I had no choice really but to engage in this conversation whether it was real or not. 

“That’s right, Shinji. You create your own reality and you’ve always had.” His voice grew softer, more forgiving, more kind.

“But I...I do hate myself. I know that I do. Why would I create that, Kaworu? I want to disappear...I want..I…” 

“When you are in a negative state there is something within you that desires the negativity... that perceives it as pleasurable... or that it will somehow get you what you want,” he said.

“I...want this?” I repeated. 

“You’ve identified with that form of thought for a long time. It’s become a part of who you are and so you protect it. It is your precious identity.”

“But it’s...it’s not my fault, Kaworu. My father...everyone hates me. I didn’t choose this. Asuka...Misato...they hate me. They can’t stand me, they--”

“Shinji.” His voice suddenly grew louder and more commanding. “Would you agree that ‘hell is other people’?”

“Do I…? N-no...of course not...well…”

“Your perception of other people is the main source of problems in your life. Can’t you see it? But of course you can’t,” he sighed, “it’s always others doing it to you.” 

In a way, his words stung. But they were the truth. Kaworu always had a way of being blunt, but this felt deeper, this felt agonizingly personal. 

“It’s just in my head then,”I muttered. “Maybe I’m...not so awful.” The words felt awkward and strange coming from my mouth. “Maybe it’s okay for me to be here...if I can change.”

“Of course it’s okay, Shinji.”

I stared longingly into the void, wishing more than anything that I could see Kaworu in front of me. But instead, there was nothing but empty space. I didn’t like that feeling, of there being no one present. As much as I disliked getting close to others, I disliked this loneliness even more. 

“If the structures of your mind remain unchanged, you will always end up recreating the same world, the same evils, the same dysfunctions. You have to change, Shinji.” 

Before I could open my mouth to speak, a sharp tremendous pain tore through my head causing me to scream. I threw my hands over the top of my head on instinct, wailing at the building pressure inside my skull. I couldn’t see the white empty space anymore. My blurred vision took me back inside the entry plug, where red lights were flashing and alarms were blaring. I could do nothing but scream at that pain in my head, so enormous that I was certain it would rupture, that it would kill me. 

Suddenly, I became aware of a loud thumping on the outside of the entry plug. I heard a sizzling sound and steam began to rise all around me. Someone was trying to open the hatch. The sounds of fists beating on metal continued, until there was a loud screech signifying the opening of the doors, which could only mean that I had been ejected from the Eva. I wasn’t sure when it had happened, but I was in the ejected plug outside of the Eva. 

As the doors were thrown open, orange LCL spilled out in a wave. I was paralyzed from the pain but through the slits of my eyes I saw white hair and crimson red eyes standing over me. Kaworu had opened the doors himself. His plugsuit was entirely torn from the wrist to the elbows; the ends were frayed and melted. He reached his hand out to me which wasn’t it’s usual porcelain white, but red and blistered. I wanted to lift my hand to reach his but I just couldn’t. Kaworu’s wide-eyed terror was the last I saw. 

* * *

**A/N: Ooof sorry I know that got super heavy toward the end! As you can tell I'm a big fan of the original ending of Evangelion--I love the psychological exploration!! I was originally gonna hold off on this scene until the end but I wanted to leave you all with something interesting to think about in these crazy times. This school of thought I'm weaving in through Kaworu is something that speaks to me a whole lot and has helped me through a lot of my own bs. Anyway, there's a lot more coming but hope you enjoyed this crazy chapter! Oh! And gold star if you knew that "Nothing is either good or bad but thinking makes it so" is Shakespeare! **   
  
  
  


  
  



	10. Neon Genesis

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The conclusion of Shinji's journey!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woooo--eeeee it's here!! It's done! I've been looking forward to writing this piece since the beginning. Yes, this was always the ending I planned on. I had this part in mind from the very first chapter and it's crazy that finally we've arrived. More notes about it at the end. 
> 
> I'm so happy to have finally made it to this conclusion. Thank you all so much for reading and waiting so patiently for updates. Your comments and feedback kept this fic alive so thank you!! I'll be starting some new fics very soon! I just finished Bungo Stray Dogs and I am like itching to get inside the heads of those characters so that'll definitely be the next project! Ok enough of my rambling, enjoy the last chapter!

**Final Chapter: Neon Genesis **

_ “If the structures of your mind remain unchanged, you will always end up recreating the same world, the same evils, the same dysfunctions. You have to change, Shinji.”  _

The day I was force-ejected from the entry plug was also the day I died. But it happened quickly. I didn’t have final words. I didn’t cry. It was the most beautiful, uneventful, anticlimactic scenario I could have ever imagined....there was such a blurred line between the last moment I lived and the first moment I died that I could hardly notice the moment my death had occurred. In fact, really, I was convinced that there was no definitive end to this notion of living. It seemed that living was just being, was just consciousness, awareness. It seemed that the world outside of my body and my mind was just simply there. There was no hatred, no love, no loneliness--none of it had ever mattered. Because this, this feeling of awareness was all there ever was and maybe all there ever would be. 

And within the state of tranquil nothingness I remained. For how long I wasn’t sure. This formless existence wasn’t so bad really. I may have even liked it but things such as like and dislike did not seem to apply in this realm of spaciousness. There was nothing to agree or disagree with. Everything simply was. And gradually...very gradually...my recollection of ever having a physical form started to disintegrate. Suddenly the awareness associated with the Evas, with father, with Kaworu, with everything started to fade away. Resentment, loneliness, self-loathing, love, all became meaningless. They were words. Sounds. A means of communication that was non-applicable to the new me. The me who had always just been the space between my human thoughts. The me who was only the awareness that I had thoughts. I had always been  _ this.  _ This formlessness.  “ _ T _ _ he sacred region none may violate. The light of the heart.”  _

This realm was a living reality. There was so no conceptualization here. No identification with the voice in my head or with the world of forms. I needed to be here, to linger here in order to understand. Within this cocoon I remained until it came to me that this idea of living was cyclical. There was no end, only beginnings. And the next beginning came at once in the form of a bright light. I focused completely on this glow as I was instinctually aware that it was good. This light was my portal into the next dimension of reality. It was my entrance back into the world of things, of people, of thoughts, and emotions. The likes of which I now saw as privileges. 

An opaque field of golden light expanded before me. It felt familiar somehow. It was a barrier of that much I was certain. The necessary barrier I needed to pass through in order to reach this new beginning. And so I melted into the golden shield, that which was to become the inner wall I would possess and would invariably overcome. This time I would triumph this field of absolute terror--the separation of myself from others. 

* * *

These hallways seemed endless. I turned right, then left, then right again. Surely room 505 was somewhere.  _ Why does this have to be so confusing? It’s as if they want to scare off the first year students. _

I glanced down at my wrist. The digital clock display showed the time 12:14pm. I still had plenty of time to find 505 but still the jitters of being lost and being new were rapidly eating away at whatever minimal confidence I walked in with.

My hands were shaking underneath the weight of hardcover textbooks. My right shoulder ached from the heavy pull of my backpack.  _ Ugh, I knew I should have just taken the extra two seconds to sling this over both of my shoulders instead of the one.  _

On multiple occasions I passed by other students, all of whom seemed to know exactly where they were going. Of course it would be easier to just ask someone for directions but something within me paralyzed my ability to take such a course of action. To engage someone and ask such a simple question seemed so terrifying to me that the idea was completely off the table. Non-negotiable. There was no way I could ask someone. My only option was to do this on my own. Find my classroom. I had 16 minutes. 

I continued to walk, to turn, to shift my backpack on my shoulder until I heard the faintest whisper of a key. A note. A note of music. A piano? I followed the sound gratefully. The louder it was, the closer I knew I had to be from my destination, 505. The melody of notes seemed to pervade the air around me as though it were tugging at my hand encouraging me to follow. The music was like a guide, like a spirit, like a physical entity telling me that it was here. After all this time, it was here. I was here.

Then I saw the little black square with numbers 505 written on it just outside the door, which was cracked open just slightly. I peeked through the window first, curious to see who was creating such a melody, such a lovely, heavenly sound. My eyes fixated on porcelain fingers igniting the keys with the vibrations of a real virtuoso. My gaze travelled up to his lips that smiled angelically as though he was excited about something. His eyes were wide and shimmering with a hue of crimson that seemed almost too fervent to be real. A strand of silver hair fell in front of his shimmering eyes for a moment, perhaps blinding him to my prying stare. 

Hesitantly, I knocked on the door before entering. The keys to the piano immediately ceased their fire. The music cut out and all was quiet. Awkwardly, I cleared my throat to fill the silence and he turned to look at me, his eyes kind and glowing, his lips upturned in an honest grin. For a moment my chest tightened and my face prickled with rising heat. 

He was the first to speak. “Music is wonderful, isn’t it? Maybe even the greatest achievement of human culture.”

His voice was musical and even soft like velvet. The mere sound of it sent a shiver through me, like an electrical impulse. A desperate tug at my chest became all the more apparent the more he spoke.

“Don’t you agree, Shinji Ikari?” 

My pulse hopped at the sound of my name as if tethering me back to reality. But, how did he know my name?

“You...know who I am?” I asked shakily.

He smiled again brilliantly and walked closer to where I stood by the entrance to the classroom, number 505. He looked like he wanted to say something different from what he was about to say. 

“Everyone knows your name.” I gulped audibly at that. The thought of people talking about me, making judgments, assumptions or just bringing my name up in a conversation at all felt humiliating. “Because you’re new here,” he added, “but you haven’t gotten to know anyone yet, have you?” he asked, concern creeping into his tone. 

“I uh...no I...I guess I haven’t…”

He tilted his head slightly and chuckled, extending his hand out towards me. “I’m Kaworu Nagisa. I’m happy you’re here, Ikari.”

I willingly accepted his hand into my own and instantly something like an electrical field of light seemed to phase through my palm if only for the moment our hands first touched. There was a sensation of warmth, crawling up my spine. The warmth was comforting and clung to my back like a shadow. For a second I felt like I was recalling a dream but the feeling quickly passed over like a tumbling wave.

“Nagisa...you’re a student here too?” I asked, feeling as though he played the piano more than well enough to be the teacher.

“That’s right. But, you can call me Kaworu.” I blushed at the immediate informality but somehow felt compelled to reciprocate. 

“You can call me Shinji. J-just Shinji is fine,” I tried to emit confidence but my resolution was lacking around Kaworu. A weakness prevailed over me but it wasn’t a physical lack of strength...it was a feeling of being wide open, naked almost. The way his eyes scanned over me was as though he could see things that weren’t there. Things about me that I couldn’t see or understand just yet. He wasn’t looking at me; he was reading me. 

He suddenly let go of my hand and motioned for me to follow him towards the piano. He sat down on the bench, scooting down to the far left. “Play with me?” he asked so casually as though we had done this together countless times before.

I sat down hesitantly, staring at the piano keys with fear. “Oh...I, um...don’t really know how to play….that’s kind of why I’m in this class.”

He hummed softly at that and gently grabbed my wrists from my lap and delicately placed my fingers atop the keys. “Nonsense,” he said, “just follow me.” 

One by one his ashen fingers pressed down on the keys creating a slow and gentle tune that built up into a mindful melody. My fingers trailed after his, at first clumsily but then as though this was a skill I always possessed, I started keeping up adeptly, even building upon the stage he set, adding a different note or two. The variability of which felt like self-expression. 

We played until the room started to fill with students and idle chatter. As I took my fingers off the keys I felt a smile tug at the corners of my lips and a divine impulse tug at the strings of my heart.  _ What is this feeling? _

Kaworu turned to face me and smiled wholeheartedly. He chuckled almost quietly at the perfection of it all (I mean what were the odds that we were a perfect match, musically speaking) and said, “You know Shinji…” his voice full of grace and fervor that it even cut through the growing background chatter of noisy students. “Maybe I was born... just so I could meet you.” 

  
  
  
  


THE END.

**Author's Final Note: **You guys have no idea how long I've been wanting to write this! We've finally come full circle. I always liked the idea of time loops in Evangelion. I'd really like to think that these characters keep getting "do-overs" so to speak. I mean especially Shinji! He needs that reset button. So yes the first part of this chapter was all Shinji's psyche and the second half was his rebirth into a different kind of reality, a reality with no robots, no end of the world--just normalcy. If it's not obvious, no, Shinji sadly doesn't remember Kaworu but he feels bound to him naturally and kind of accepts the feeling as normal. Kaworu of course remembers Shinji. Kaworu's consciousness (at least in my fic) is more omniscient than Shinji's so you can assume that he remembers all of his lives while Shinji does not. 

But anyway, this is the happiness Shinji deserves! A normal life with Kaworu loyally by his side. No robots, just good vibes. Hahah nah I mean I love Evangelion for what it is of course! Again thank you all for reading!! Like I said, my next fic is going to be for Bungo Stray Dogs. And hey if you've never heard of it and need a good anime rec...well lo and behold here it is! Okay, okay, I'm leaving now...Peace out!!


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